Matt Hancock’s Pandemic Diary: A Parody

Wednesday, January 1st 2020

Spotted a news-in-brief story in the paper about a mystery pneumonia outbreak in China. This immediately started alarm bells ringing, although I seem to be alone among Cabinet colleagues in worrying about this.

Went for a New Year’s Day pint at the Duck and Dive and talked to the owner about the new disease. Like me, he’s very concerned about protecting NHS staff.

Tuesday, January 7th

The PM sought me out in the voting lobby to tell me what a great job I’m doing. I told him about the new disease, which he wasn’t aware of. “You keep an eye on it,” he said. “But I expect it’s nothing to worry about.”

Friday, January 17th

When I got into the department, I buttonholed Chris Whitty, the Chief Medical Officer who owes his entire career to me. I asked him what the chances were of the virus escaping from China. “What virus?” he asked. Honestly, am I the only person round here who’s worried about this?

Wednesday, January 22nd

Found out tonight that Sir Mark Sedwill, Cabinet Secretary and Head of the Civil Service, has blocked my push for a meeting of COBRA to discuss the new disease. Infuriating!

Thursday, January 23rd

No 10 has grudgingly agreed to let me make a statement to the Commons about the virus. “Make it short,” said Lee Cain. “Don’t want to alarm people unnecessarily.”

Got a text message from Gina Coladangelo, my old university friend, who’d seen my on the Six O’Clock News. “Forgotten how good looking you are,” she said.

Friday, January 24th

Dominic Cummings told me to stop talking about “the Wuhan Flu”. The only thing he wants Boris to focus on is our official withdrawal from the EU next week. He resents my influence over the PM.

Saturday, January 25th

I fell into step with Dom Raab, who has always looked to me for advice, as we were leaving Cabinet and told him we need to withdraw Brits from Wuhan. “Why?” he asked. I told him about how deadly SARS-CoV-2 can be, which was news to him. “Thanks for flagging that up, Matt,” he said. “I’ll order the evacuation immediately.”

Sunday, January 26th

The Foreign Office machine is struggling to grind into second gear. This morning I discovered that officials are still working up advice on “whether” to evacuate, not “how”. Has Raab not told them to get on with it? I decided to bypass Dom and call the Perm Sec at the FCO directly. After a rocket from me, he agreed to pull his finger out.

Tuesday, January 28th

A proper wake-up call today. The whole team gathered in my office to go through the reasonable worst-case scenario I’ve been requesting since Jan 1st.

In his characteristically diffident way, looking apologetically at me, Chris Whitty quietly informed everyone that in the reasonable worst-case scenario, as many as 820,000 people in the U.K. may die. The transmission is so high that almost everyone would catch it, as I’ve been pointing out.

The penny dropped that I’ve been right about the risk posed by this virus all along. The whole room fell silent and every face turned to me.

I asked what we needed to do to accelerate a vaccine. Jonathan Van-Tam, whom I plucked out of obscurity, said developing a vaccine normally takes five to 10 years.

“I want it by Christmas,” I said.

Wednesday, January 29th

PMQs today was surreal: not a single question on the virus. I stood by the Speaker’s chair thinking: “Every question you lot are asking will be rendered completely irrelevant in a few weeks.”

I called the head of the World Health Organisation, whom I recommended for the job, to try to persuade him – for the umpteenth time – to declare a public health international emergency. “Are you sure that’s wise?” he asked. “Don’t want to upset the Chinese.”

I feel like the lone scientist in one of those Hollywood disaster movies, pointing out the inevitable which everyone else is in denial about. If they ever do make a film about the crisis I wonder who’ll play me? Gina thinks Brad Pitt, but I’ve always thought I look like Matt Damon.

Thursday, January 10th

The Wuhan Brits have arrived back in England. I wanted to greet them at Brize Norton in a full hazmat suit, but Gina thought it was a bit OTT. “They know they’ve got you to thank for saving their lives, not Dom,” she said.

PHE wanted to greet them with a smile and a leaflet and ask them nicely to stay at home for a couple of weeks. I said no way – they need to go straight into quarantine for at least a month. PHE started hand-wringing about human rights. I told them to stop being so bloody wet.

The World Health Organisation has finally declared the virus a public health emergency, thanks to me. About bloody time!

PHE’s audit of PPE came back and did not lighten my mood. There’s no clear record of what’s in the stockpile, and some kit is past its “best before” date. I’ve instructed officials to work out what we need fast, and buy in huge quantities. Bypass procurement rules, money no object. I told them to contact the landlord at the Duck and Dive, who has some good ideas about how to expedite this.

Tuesday, February 4th

As a liberal, I’ve always believed people are the best judges of what’s in their best interests, particularly when it comes to personal safety. Now we are contemplating the greatest interference in personal liberty in Britain’s history. It’s a strange feeling, but not altogether unpleasant.

Wednesday, February 14th

Valentine’s day and, not surprisingly, I got a card. Wonder who it’s from? I’ve narrowed the suspects down to a couple of dozen.

Back in the COBRA room later for a Civil Service exercise to rehearse what we’ll do if the virus runs out of control. Took some doing to get that meeting on the books, I can tell you! We role-played how we would do our jobs in two months’ time if the very worst-case scenario has happened and hundreds of thousands are dying. There were other Cabinet ministers in the room, but the senior officials kept looking at me.

Monday, February 24th

Cummings has finally turned his attention to coronavirus. To show he means business, he’s organising a daily 8am meeting in No 10 for SpAds and officials, but in an act of total idiocy he hasn’t invited me. He has complete contempt for elected politicians – the Prime Minister included.

After Cabinet, I took Boris to one side and told him not to trust Cummings. “Nonsense,” he said. “He’s 100% loyal.” Once again, I feel like the one-eyed man in the kingdom of the blind.

Thursday, February 27th

PHE has outright refused a request from Pinky Trotter, owner of the Duck and Dive, to supply the NHS with PPE. Certain senior public health officials are absolutely allergic to anything involving the private sector! They hate entrepreneurs. Evidently, they’d rather risk lives than set aside these ideological objections.

No such sniffiness from the French, who are biting Pinky’s arm off.

Sunday, March 1st

We’re telling everyone to wash their hands more frequently and encouraging parents to get their kids to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ twice to make sure they do it for long enough. What I really wanted was for people to sing a song by my close friend and constituent Ed Sheeran.

Sadly, I was overruled. Sigh.

Tuesday, March 10th

I’ve ordered PHE to produce plans for how they will get 100,000 tests a day by May 1st. I told Rishi this was my BHAG – a business school term meaning Big Hairy Audacious Goal, which I thought he’d be familiar with, given his MBA from Stanford. But it was new to him.

Friday, March 13th

A call with my fellow G7 Health Ministers. Everyone sounded terrified, but unsure of what to do. Inevitably, I took the lead. At the end of the call they all thanked me.

In just three days, the numbers have doubled. At 10am I went to Downing Street to talk to the PM and told him this is no time for half measures. We‘ve got to start telling people to stay at home. Reluctantly, he agreed.

Simon Stevens says frail elderly patients who don’t need urgent treatment need to be discharged from hospital, either to their home or to care homes. He’s spoken to the PM about it and is determined to make it happen. I told Boris I wasn’t so sure. Isn’t there a risk that they might carry the virus into care homes and infect other residents?

Saturday, March 14th

Back in the constituency for a night and I popped into the Duck and Dive for a pint. Pinky took for me for a spin in his new Rolls Royce. Said he’d seen me on Question Time and thought I could use a “glow up”. Suggested I go and see his tailor!

Monday, March 16th

Cummings, Lee Cain, Whitty and I went into Boris’s study garden, where I came up with the message he’s going to give in a televised press conference. Then, at 5pm, it was time. Looking as grave as he ever does, Boris told the elderly and vulnerable they are going to have to stay at home for 12 weeks. It was odd listening to him speaking the lines I‘d written.

Tuesday, March 17th

A rare semi-night off this evening as I shlepped to the O2 in Greenwich for the Brit Awards.

Inevitably, I pitched up late because of work and missed the dinner. I was seated next to Mick Jagger, someone I’ve always admired – although he’s no Ed Sheeran.

He told me I was doing a wonderful job and should be PM. I said the country doesn’t always get what it wants, but sometimes it gets what it needs. I thought it was rather witty.

Sunday, March 22nd 2020

Crunch meeting in Downing Street, at which the Prime Minister weighed up all the options and dithered about which one to take. He’s famous for this, so I took the lead and steered him towards the only decision he can make in the circumstances – a formal lockdown as soon as possible. I caught Cummings’s eye and he gave me an almost imperceptible nod of thanks.

Monday, March 23rd 2020

At 8.30pm, the Prime Minister gave his address to the nation. “From this evening, I must give the British people a very simple instruction: you must stay at home . . .“

Once again, I had that ventriloquist dummy sensation.

Tuesday, March 24th

This evening it was finally my turn to front the daily Downing Street press conference – about time! I was unusually nervous, knowing that more or less the whole nation would be watching. After all, we’d just banned them from doing almost anything else.

Got a text from Gina afterwards to tell me how dashing she thought I looked: “Is that new suit?”

Friday, March 27th

A nurse called first thing this morning to say I’ve got Covid. It’s not at all what I expected. More like a bad cold than a deadly flu. I wonder if that’s become I’m so slim and fit?

Thursday, April 2nd

At the Downing Street press conference I was asked what we’ve got wrong. I said we could have brought in the economic package a bit quicker.

This didn’t get much pick-up, except from Rishi’s people, who went absolutely tonto. I bought Rishi a box of wine to apologise, even though I know he’s teetoal. Don’t want him getting too big for his boots!

Perhaps I should have given a frank answer about a mistake I felt responsible for — but I couldn’t think of anything.

Turns out, negative tests won’t be required prior to transfers/admissions into care homes. The tragic but honest truth is we don’t have enough testing capacity to check anyway – in spite of my BHAG. It’s an utter nightmare, but it’s not my fault.

Under the circumstances, we must make sure that anyone going from a hospital into a care home is kept away from other residents. I hope this message filters through and is followed – I’ve told my officials to make sure of that.

It’s been a choice between very difficult options. If we keep people in hospital, the NHS will be overrun – at least, that’s what Simon Stevens says, who’s the person behind this policy. I think it’s a big risk – and have told him as much.

Saturday, April 4th

President Trump has randomly and dangerously declared that hydroxychloroquine is an effective treatment for Covid, despite a total absence of evidence. What an awful, awful man. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up on some ghastly reality show.

Monday, April 6th

Boris has been taken into intensive care with Covid. Everyone is stunned. I’m told there’s a 50:50 chance he’ll end up on a ventilator; and if that happens, we know there’s a 50:50 chance he will die.

He called me on his way to St Thomas’s and asked me if I was willing to act as caretaker PM while he’s incapacitated. I thanked him, but said it ought to be Raab, given that he’s Deputy PM.

Wednesday, April 8th

Boris spent a second night in intensive care. I worry he won’t make it. I don’t want to lose a close friend and colleague.

Inevitably, my thoughts turned to the succession. If Boris doesn’t pull through, should I throw my hat into the ring? Gina thinks I should.

Thursday, May 14th

People are starting to blame us for discharging elderly people from hospital into residential settings without testing them properly – something I repeatedly warned about. Happily, the evidence indicates the residents discharged from hospital aren’t responsible for the outbreaks in care homes, so even if that had been my decision, which it wasn’t, I cannot be blamed for the deaths.

Friday, June 26th

Pinky has invited me to spend two weeks next month at his new villa in Marbella. “Bring a friend,” he said. Not sure the wife would be up to it – she’s still recovering from Covid – but I might ask Gina if she’s available. We could strategise about how to improve government messaging around the restrictions.