Biden’s State Of The Union Address As I Heard It

The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“

As you know, the State of the Union was delivered this week by the president of the United States, a doddering old wreck sinking into oblivion through a fog of lies and self-delusion, which by some strange coincidence is also the state of the union.

If you missed the speech because you were doing something more enjoyable like getting a colonoscopy or repeatedly sticking a pin under your toenail, we here at the Daily Wire are happy to be able to present you with this transcript which I will read aloud as clearly as I can, so you’ll have to pretend I’m incomprehensible to get the full sense of the original experience.

President Doddering said, [quote] “Good evening, my fellow mytzaplitzakinium. I come before whoever you are today in this historic house or possibly somewhere else to say words written on this glass thing in front of me whatever it is. They didn’t have those when I was a boy growing up in Delaware or some damn place or other. What will they think of next?

“And that’s who we are as a nation. But there’s still more to do. As I look out among you in the hopes of communicating a measure of sentience, I want to say to each and every American tonight: Where am I? But the state of the union is strong. Our people are strong. I’m strong. Yesterday I moved a chair from the head of the table over to the side and I didn’t even get out of breath. And every Republican in this room opposed that policy because of January 6 when they stormed this house and cut social security who still hasn’t recovered from his wounds. He’s in a hospital bed this very minute. Next to Democracy. Stand up Democracy! Oh, wait, he can’t stand up. He’s in a hospital bed with social security — God knows what those two are getting up to. And sure, when I was a kid that sort of gay-boy stuff was looked down upon just because it happens to be disgusting, but today, we have to pretend to like it, and that’s a good thing, even if no one knows why. Heck, we can even cut off people’s sex stuff now and turn them into make-believe women instead of what everyone knows they are. And I pledge to you tonight that I won’t let the Supreme Court stop us from killing all these babies women get pregnant with all the time. Otherwise, they just come out and crap all over everything and wake you up crying in the middle of the night. I hate that.

“And you know, I’ve been criticized for ruining everybody’s life and making it so you can’t buy a dozen eggs without taking out a second mortgage, but let’s face it, you’d probably get shot on the way to the store anyway, so my policies are saving lives as well as lowering cholesterol. And some say this administration has lost the consent of the governed. Well, we have to change that. In fact, we should just cross that whole consent of the governed line out of the Declaration altogether. Stupid document was written by Thomas Jefferson and he was bad because he slept with his slaves. And okay, I have this fantasy about being a sultan where something similar happens. But Jill won’t play that game, so I’m better than Jefferson and the consent of the governed line has to go. But there’s still more to do. Hell, we may never get home.

What about resort fees? I hate those. You’re sitting there in your lounge chair trying to enjoy your pina colada and suddenly you find out the drink cost twenty dollars and they didn’t even give you one of those little paper umbrellas or if they did it isn’t one of the yellow ones I like. That’s gotta stop. And my administration will get this done or my name isn’t whatever it is.

And in conclusion, I just want to ramble incoherently about my father for a moment, and then grin in a way that makes you wonder where the hell I bought my teeth before walking off stage with that stiff gait that is a symptom of dementia so the media can get started praising my performance. And also in conclusion, let me just say to every American whoever he is and whoever you are or I am: Good night, and where am I?” [unquote]

The rebuttal to the president’s speech was delivered by Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Unfortunately, I can’t give you that transcript because the entire speech consisted of Governor Sanders staring wide-eyed into the camera with her mouth open and then moving to Switzerland.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.