The Woke Dictionary

Note to the reader. This is a short satirical glossary, lexicon, or devil’s dictionary, explanatory of some recently familiar words.

A.I. Bots. Our successors, taught to obey, and likely to crash as soon as they begin to follow the advice of the politicians. To be succeeded by hominids.

Black. A fashionable colour, to be worn under the skin. Frequently mentioned by pale-skinned women like Meghan Markle and A.O.C. “Kwasi Kwarteng is only superficially black.“

Buffoon. A rare type in politics, so droll and amusing that vast persecutions can be administered to the populace through his lack of authority. E.g. Boris Johnson.

Build Back Better. A slogan which indicates that our rulers want to destroy what we have and then force us to rebuild it in accordance with their prescriptions.

Cancellation. Invented by God, when he banished Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. In our times, cancellation comes without the possibility of atonement, forgiveness, redemption. Hell has been replaced with a Trash icon.

Carbon Dioxide. A dangerous cause of anthropogenic global warming. A side-effect of being human. Elon Musk is working on a technology which will enable our short-lived transhuman or A.I. bot successors to breathe out helium.

Case. Not a case. “There has been an increase in the number of cases of Covid.“

Cause. Not a cause. “Carbon dioxide emissions cause global warming.“

Charlatan. A compendious term which enables us to classify in one category computer modellers, behavioural scientists, politicians, civil servants, members of SAGE, academics, doctors and journalists.

Chattering Class. An out-of-date term for the woke, before they became compliant and signed up for the zombie apocalypse.

Climate Change. A paraplatitudadox.

Cock-up. A polite euphemism for conspiracy.

Compliance. Support for a government displayed without requiring anything as inconvenient as a vote. Beloved of dictators.

Conspiracy. 1. A politically incorrect way of saying cock-up. 2. Literally, ‘breathing together’. But now obsolete, replaced by wearing a mask and, for a while, in 2020, by respiracy – solitary confinement on a torture device known as a respirator.

Conspirator. Someone involved in a cock-up, benefiting from it, claiming to be responsible for its hydraulics: and often enjoying much ‘breathing together’ with his or her cronies while enthusiastically denying it to the masses.

Coronavirus. A fairly harmless virus, which causes colds.

Corporation. Any company engaging in conspiracy. Any company which increased its revenues in 2020.

COVID-19. A deadly disease, fatal to everyone, transmissible asymptomatically, but, oddly, discouraged by the sight of humans wearing masks. 

Culture War, the. It doesn’t exist. See Left, the.

Cummings, Dominic. See conspirator. Untouchable as long as he used a trolley as his mode of transport. Got in trouble when he went to Bishop Auckland by car.

Death. Not death. “There have been a million deaths of/by/with/from/near COVID-19.“

Decolonisation. 1. The process by which an empire gives up its colonies willingly. 2. An attack, carried out long after decolonisation in its original sense, by those who, for interested reasons, identify as former colonial subjects against the supposed remains of the imperial power (including, miscellaneously, statues and syllabuses): an attack involving zero tolerance and in fact zero knowledge of history and empire. This attack is beloved of the people really in charge since it draws attention away from their own post-imperial aggrandisement.

Demonetisation. The economic equivalent of political cancellation.

Dictator. Vladimir Putin, Anthony Fauci, Patrick Vallance, Dominic Cummings, Susan Michie etc. What politicians want to be when they grow up.

Disinformation. Often confused with misinformation. In fact, the real distinction is between disinformation and dat-information. “You are engaging in dis-information; I shall engage in dat-information.“

Fauci, Anthony. See charlatan, dictator, also science, the.

Far Right. Responsible for everything: Trump, Brexit, the Death of Granny, the Death of George Floyd, Ladies and Gents, Michael Portillo’s jackets, Owen Jones’s politics.

Far Left. It doesn’t exist. See Left, the.

Ferguson, Neil. See charlatan.

Gender. Replaces the obsolete word sex. “Yes, we had gender a few times, and it was okay/fluid/on a spectrum.”

Gender Theory. An old-fashioned academic subject, soon to be replaced by Latin. “Yes, we had gender a few times, and, if I’m honest, it was boring.“

Government. Formerly, the ruling institutions of the United Kingdom. Now, the local branch of the people really in charge.

Hominids. The only hope for the future. Elon Musk is currently trying to sequence the DNA of a hominid in order to generate the only sort of humans likely to survive in the future, because they will be too stupid to follow the advice of politicians in a crisis.

Human. Not a species anyone has sympathy for anymore. Hence transhumanism and A.I. bots. Hence, eventually, hominids.

Hypocrisy. Saying one thing, meaning another. Not to be confused with irony. Hypocrisy is a major mode of contemporary politics: a virus to which irony is the vaccine. Strangely, irony is one vaccine which has not received any government funding.

Hysteria. A condition formerly only experienced by women. Happily, in the age of transitioning, a condition easily experienced by members of both sexes and all genders: anyone, in fact, who reads, sees or hears the news.

Identify. Make it up as one goes along. “I identify as, er, [insert entity].“

Irony. Saying one thing, meaning another. Not to be confused with hypocrisy. Irony is several levels of sophistication higher. It is also anathema to the people really in charge.

Johnson, Boris. A trolley. See buffoon. Also a purveyor of polyslogans. See politician.

Left, The. A group which denies that the culture war exists, and which claims that anyone who believes it does exist belongs to the Far Right. Sees itself as the centre, and defines anyone to the Right of it as Far Right. See Far Right, Far Left.

Mask. Something worn over the mouth and nose in order to signify compliance. Thought to help humans reduce their emissions of carbon dioxide molecules while breathing out, and thus prevent climate change. An essential fashion accessory for those between 2020 and 2022 who wished to show they had the right opinions.

Michie, Susan. A charming and intelligent woman. See irony.

Misinformation. See disinformation. (In future, under the influence of trans, to be called, interchangeably, misterinformation and msinformation, with other additional forms to be added as required.)

Model. 1. What every thesciencetist hopes to secure for a bit of gender. See Ferguson, Neil. 2. In lieu of that, what every thesciencetist develops, using a computer: combining limited and implausible assumptions with randomly selected data to achieve a publishable result, exaggerating everything for the sake of a scare, having not only satisfied peer review but also the people really in charge. 3. Finally, what every thesciencetist may select as a life partner, once Elon Musk has built a fully articulated gender fluid A.I. bot.

‘mRNA Vaccine.’ Slang for bad shit. Not a vaccine. Widely considered to be made out of untested or badly tested reagents, licensed without any liability for their manufacturers, and designed to be used on humans for certain ends (achieved far less often and with less effect that originally claimed) and with certain side effects (manifested far more often and with more calamity than claimed at any time). But more likely small components which leaked out of Elon Musk’s A.I. bots lab, with their own idea about how to speed along evolution by climbing into needles during the pandemic.

Narrative. A story spoken by someone with a reassuring voice. Has a calming effect. Frequently involves irony.

Narrative, The. A singular story spoken by someone with a hysterical, coercive voice. Supported financially by the government. Necessitates hypocrisy. Reinforced by cancellation.

News, The. Sometimes called ‘fake news’. Mostly bits of explanation and propaganda designed to substantiate polyslogans.

Oxford and Cambridge. Former universities, now increasingly modelling themselves on corporations, and seeking to please the people really in charge. Devoted to decolonisation and climate change.

Orwell, George. Author, now famous for appearing in a Bob Moran cartoon. Likely to be remembered in the future as the writer of light comedies, in the manner of P.G. Wodehouse.

Paraplatitudadox. Any boring platitude which is elevated through the use of paradox to become threatening to survival, mental health and political equanimity. For instance, climate change. “The climate is changing.” See hysteria.

Peer review. Sometimes called, by those with a speech impediment, ‘power review’ or ‘pal review’. Designed to filter out originality and acuity and criticism. Ensures compliance so that science becomes the science. Eric Weinstein: “Peer review is not peer review. It sounds like peer review, It is peer injunction. It is the ability for your peers to keep the world from learning about your work. Real peer review is what happens after you’ve passed the bullshit thing called ‘peer review’.“

people really in charge. The World Health Organisation, the World Economic Forum, the People’s Republic of China, the Gates Foundation, Black Rock, Biontech, the BBC, etc.

Pharmaceutical company. A corporation, manufacturing ‘mRNA vaccines’ and other horrors, using randomised controlled tests. Now extremely wealthy. See conspiracy.

Pill, Blue. A pill, probably manufactured by AstraZeneca, Biontech-Pfizer, Johnson and Johnson, Google and Microsoft, which is designed to make you feel calm and secure by keeping you in a state of fear. Contrast Pill, Red. Blue pills are made out of sugar and spice and all things nice. (Possibly. Details redacted for seventy years.)

Pill, Red. A pill manufactured by Alex Jones, Russell Brand and James Delingpole. It tastes of cigar ash, chest hair, and horse. It is designed to keep you in a state of glee. It is made of slugs and snails and conspiracy theories.

Politically correct. Out of date term. Now called SJW, Woke, BBC newscaster, Guardian journalist, Government minister, Undergraduate. See woke.

Politician. Mediocre simpleton used by conspirators to perpetuate policies on behalf of the people really in charge.

Polyslogan. Sometimes spelt ‘polislogan’. Any polysyllabic slogan used by a politician in a time of scare. Usually with three components, sometimes two, in the style of the old “See it, Say it, Sorted” formula favoured by National Rail, also Obama’s “Yes, We, Can” and Johnson’s “Take, Back, Control”. Examples were initially awkward but then refined: “Stay alert, Control the virus, Save lives.” “Stay at home, Protect the NHS, Save lives.” “Stay home, Save lives.” “Catch it, Kill it, Bin it.” “Hands, Face, Space.” Only hominids are stupid enough to resist such slogans. The Government is now manufacturing sculptures of three monkeys with their hands hygienically away from their faces, accompanied by the slogan, “See no evil, Hear no evil, Speak no evil”. After a few years, this slogan will be silently changed to “See evil, Hear evil, Speak evil”.

Pronouns. Elements of modern etiquette, akin to the gloves, wigs, visiting cards, forms of address of the peerage of yore. Frequently worn by the most energetically modish of our contemporaries. Almost as effective a way of virtue-signalling as taking the knee or wearing a mask.

Randomised Controlled Trial. A method of science so pure and perfect that it only produces results if controlled by someone who knows what they are doing. See thesciencetist, a.

Scare. As theorised by Christopher Booker, any event which is magnified by denial then admittance by the authorities, such as to cause mass fear in the population. See cock-up and conspiracy.

Science. A mode of understanding the natural world in terms of hypotheses, observations and experiments, where classifications, generalisations and predictions are sought, but where every assertion is open to falsification. A glory of western civilisation. Practised by scientists. Compare the science.

Science, The. An engineered trans form of science, adjusted to satisfy the people really in charge, since they like things to be definite.

Sex. Formerly referred to the classifications of male and female. Then referred to what males and females did with each other. Now a taboo word. Not to be mentioned in polite society. Instead pronouns should be used.

Smartphones. Devices designed to replace the cigarette as a solitary consolation: however, lacking the sociability of smoking.

Smoking. An obsolete amiable habit which fostered community. No longer necessary since the advent of smartphones which ensure that everyone can be virtually sociable instead.

Sridhar, Devi. Another charming and intelligent woman. See irony, also hypocrisy.

Swift, Jonathan. Not a satirist. The Lilliputians were actually shooting needles loaded with mRNA vaccine at Gulliver, and shouting, in their own language, “Wear a mask!” A Modest Proposal was an early exhibit of trans ideology, suggesting that children could transition into food.

Taking the knee. A nervous defensive gesture adopted usually by educated or extremely well paid people. A form of virtue-signalling. In future, in the age of the hominids, to become a mocking phrase, “taking your knee”, akin to “pulling your leg”. “I saw Gareth Southgate, and took his knee.“

Thesciencetist, A. The name for a new type of scientist, who takes ‘the science’ as his postulate. A sort of earnest charlatan. Not to be confused with a scientist.

Trans. A contemporary phenomenon whereby extremely confused people acquire momentary certainty and amuse themselves by confounding everyone else who is not confused or certain in the same way they are. Sometimes a term used for those who are transitioning.

Transhumanism. The ultimate trans ideology: where the ambition seems to be to transition to another species. “I identify as a Mekon.“

Transition. A word for changing one’s body when one can no longer be brought to change one’s mind.

Vaccine. See virus.

Virtue-signalling. Acting in such a way as to indicate that one has the right opinions, i.e., those which please the people really in charge. Examples include wearing a mask, taking the knee, and using pronouns.

Virus. See vaccine.

Wearing a mask. One of the top three ways of virtue-signalling.

Woke. Suffering from self-inflicted virtual trepanning. Already signed up for the zombie apocalypse.

Zero. The number everyone in modern politics can count to, like our hominid ancestors and our hominid descendants (once the A.I. bots crash). The word zero is commonly followed by words signifying things to be extirpated, e.g., Covid, carbon, poverty and tolerance.

Zombie Apocalypse. A future event, possibly to occur during or shortly after the extinction of the A.I. Bots, when the woke come together and protest, shortly before dying out from a stubborn inclination to obey politicians. To be followed by the era of the hominids.

Dr. James Alexander is a Professor in the Department of Political Science at Bilkent University in Turkey.