Why Democrats And Republicans Remind Me Of ‘Gorgo Versus Godzilla’

The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The time has come for each and every American to make a choice: Are we going to allow the Democrats to destroy democracy in the name of saving democracy, or will we insist that Republicans save the Constitution by destroying the Constitution? It’s kind of like watching Gorgo fight Godzilla and deciding who to root for while they’re both reducing Tokyo to rubble.

 To help you make the decision — between the Democrats and Republicans not Gorgo and Godzilla — but really, what’s the difference? Anyway, to help you make the decision, let’s review the news of the week.

Twitter Chief Elon Musk had journalist Matt Taibbi release internal emails which would have shown FBI plants tampering with the last election by censoring information if the emails hadn’t been tampered with by an FBI plant, censoring the information. Reporters reacted to the news by condemning Taibbi for reporting the news which they said deeply hurt journalism by doing journalism.

At this point, Democrats chimed in to say, yes, they had colluded with sinister intelligence officials and a corrupt media to destroy democracy by spreading disinformation but only so they could stop disinformation from destroying democracy.

Donald Trump reacted by saying we now have to terminate the Constitution in order to save the Constitution and then said he hadn’t said we should terminate the Constitution, only that we should cancel the last election and install him as president, which would terminate the Constitution thereby saving the Constitution.

Republicans reacted to Trump’s comments with shock and said we need to leave Trump behind and move forward with new leadership by moving backward to old leadership. Then at last Republicans can stop all this chaos and restore calm by doing absolutely nothing.

Meanwhile, Democrats took time off from calling for the destruction of Israel and its six million Jews in order to strongly condemn Kanye West for calling for the destruction of Israel and its six million Jews. West, a Nazi black man, has teamed up with Milo Yiannopoulos, a Nazi homosexual, in order to finally realize Adolf Hitler’s dream of a truly diverse Aryan race, full of blond haired and blue eyed manly men who are black and gay. To prove that he’s not mentally ill, Kanye gave yet another interview wearing a full face mask like a mentally ill person. In this interview, Ye said that the Jews were going to have to forgive Hitler. And let me just pause here to say, as a Jew who is also a Christian, forgiving Hitler IS on my to-do list — it’s just very, very far down. It’s on the list just below reading “The Big Book of Feminist Theory” and just above re-reading “The Big Book of Feminist Theory” because I couldn’t believe what a load of garbage it was the first time. But somewhere between those two readings, I’m going to forgive Hitler.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.

In other news, batcrap crazy black man Raphael Warnock defeated batcrap crazy black man Herschel Walker for a Senate seat in Georgia. Warnock, who says that Jesus would support abortions, condemned Walker for funding an abortion because that was wrong. Now Warnock actually is an ordained minister in the holy church of Whoop-de-doodlism, and he found evidence for his theology in the Bible verse Mark 10:14, in which Jesus says, “Suffer the little children to come unto me, and I will rip them limb from limb, then suck out their brains.” Which does, in fact, prove that if Warnock is going to write down his fantasies, he probably shouldn’t write them in his Bible, it’s just confusing. In any case, with Warnock supporting Christ-like abortions and Walker paying for abortions with Christ-like charity, the entire election was like a beautiful re-enactment of the Christmas story — or at least that one part of the story where all the children get slaughtered.

So — now that we’ve covered the news of the week, let me return to what I said at first: it’s time for Americans to come to a decision. Are we just going to cower under our desks whimpering in despair while a bunch of venal, brainless weasels destroy our great country? Or will we be men, and crawl out from under our desks whimpering in despair, then run very fast, still whimpering in despair, until we reach the Mexican border, where we’ll be stopped by border guards because they aren’t doing anything else anyway. Personally, I’m just going to stay under the desk, because at my age it’s hard to run fast and whimper at the same time. But if anyone can hear my voice in Mexico: Please. Send help.

Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.